Posts tagged “humour

A Rabbit’s Tale

Posted on February 11, 2012

George had made his mind up that the dog would have to go. There was no question about it. It was either Paddy or him. All he had to do was pluck up the courage to tell her. It wasn’t as if they needed the damn thing. Yes, they were in the countryside but this wasn’t the Wild West and packs of wolves would not be attacking their small homestead in the night. He would just let it out gently and that would be that. Mind you, it had disappeared into the night again and had shown no sign of returning. He swallowed his whiskey and smiled. That’s when he heard the scratching, announcing it’s return. He grimaced. ‘Thank God for that,’ said Susan,…

Bulgarian Etiquette

Posted on February 5, 2012

There are some basic essentials you need to learn before going to Bulgaria. Nodding means no and shaking ones head means yes. This can be an endless source of embarrassment as I discovered to my chagrin when emerging from the swimming pool shower at the Sofia Princess, clad only in a miniscule towel. A large, buxom lady in a white coat accosted me and insisted that I have a massage. In my panic, I kept shaking my head, which encouraged her to try and drag me into her cubicle. There followed a tug of war with the towel in my endeavour to preserve my vanity and I was only rescued when a small, elderly Japanese gentleman replied to her advances by bowing and nodding…

Play Script: Things that Go Bump in the Night

Posted on February 3, 2012

Scene One As the curtain rises, the stage is in darkness. We hear a bang and the shuffle of feet to the right of the stage. A bedside light goes on and a woman sits up in bed to the left of the stage. She has rollers in her hair and is in her late 50s. She has white cream all over her face. There is another bang and she leans over and shakes the person who is asleep next to her. He doesn’t budge and then she shakes him harder. Woman:            (Whispering). John, John, wake up, John! John:                  (Turning towards her). What is it, Maureen? What time is it? Maureen:  …

Short, Back and Sides

Posted on January 26, 2012

Martin’s Barber Shop had been in the town for as long as anybody could remember; a basic, no-nonsense hairdressers next to the Capital cinema just near to the town centre. Its owner, Marten Hiss had been a German paratrooper in the war and had ended up in a POW camp nearby. He had been captured after crashing feet first through the roof of Mavis’s Hairdressing Salon and landing trouser-less astride the poor owner, as she sat naked on her bed, painting her toes bright red. Mavis never recovered from the shock and her legs would twitch involuntarily whenever she heard anything spoken in German. It was also a defining moment for Hiss who, in an instance, knew exactly what he wanted to do with…

Arn-old

Posted on January 25, 2012

“You’re not coming anywhere near me with that thing!” screamed Grace, retreating behind the couch. “I’m warning you Bob. If you don’t take it outside this instance, I’ll never speak to you again.” Bob did hear her but he took no notice. They had been together almost 35 years and he had learnt that the best way to deal with Grace’s outbursts was to just ignore her. He pressed the remote control and stood back as the machine came to life “Good evening,” it said,  “I am pleased to make your acquaintance.” “Turn it off,” screamed Grace. “Turn it off or else…” Bob continued to ignore her and adjusted the volume. “For Christ’s sake, Grace, just get a hold of yourself. It’s not going…

Ham Fisted

Posted on January 24, 2012

The sheer scale of the disaster struck Roland Dewhurst as he was congratulating himself on the quality of his work. He had switched off the lawnmower, lifted himself from the soft, leather seat and was staring in admiration at the lushness of the lawn. He pulled the packet of cigarettes from his pocket, checked that no one was watching and lit up. He inhaled the smoke and relaxed as the nicotine kicked in. He took a few more drags, stubbed the end of the cigarette on the heel of his shoe and placed it back in the packet.  He turned, detached the cuttings box and walked over to the compost heap. He was watching the cuttings tumble down before him when he spotted the…